How to Deal with Your Partner's Ego

"We're all sentenced to solitary confinement inside our own skins." - Tennessee Williams

What is Ego?

The ego is the "I". Our perceived notion of how we and others see us. The self-image. Everyone has one - as it is essential to our survival to have a sense of self. The "inflated ego," however, is what most consider pure evil. It is the reason serial killers kill, and why some men beat their wives and kids. In a nation where there is a name for every human condition possible - often with the word disorder attached to it - I am surprised we don't have a disorder (and big blue pills) for egoism.

Here is a link for a more detailed definition of the ego.

Why it kills relationships?

We go into relationships with people we claim to love and admire and whom we think love and admire us. Ego and love, however, are old enemies and can not easily live under the same roof. It's really hard to convince your spouse or significant other that you love them when you have an inflated ego. What you are really saying is this - "I love you, but I love me more. And I would much rather be right than happy." You see why that might not go over so well with your spouse?

Most people try to fight their partner's ego for some time, before finally giving up and leaving them. If leaving is not an option for you - there is a way to work with the ego, rather than against it. You can even learn how to use it to your advantage.

So what can you do about it?

Well you can start by not going into a relationship with someone with an inflated ego - prevention is often easier than maintenance remember? So how can you tell if someone has an inflated ego? Well, they usually are the kind of people that will never lose an argument, never admit their wrong, and never, ever apologize to anyone. They must win every game - making them very sore losers. They will find a way to blame every argument, disagreement, and circumstance on you. Not fun.

If you weren't careful and have ended up in a long term, committed relationship with someone with a huge ego - here are some things you can do to use it to your advantage. I truly believe that it's easier to change yourself and your outlook than it is to change someone else. Use the following coping and communication strategies to deal with your egoistic partner:

1. Condition your spouse to admit fault and apologize by doing the same yourself. When you find yourself in an argument or disagreement with your partner - stop arguing immediately, say that you realize that you had a part in the situation, and apologize. Do this for the next couple of arguments and then stop. Show your spouse that it is okay to make a mistake and you are the bigger person by taking control of the situation and ending the argument at your expense. I assure you that he/she will start doing the same. People with inflated egos don't like to lose control remember - learn to deal with it smart and use their annoying traits to your advantage.

2. When you want your partner to do something ( or not do something) never, ever demand it of them. Even if your spouse agrees with you - they will go against your wishes simply because their ego won't allow them to lose. Learn to be tactful (I know this can be hard at times, but learn it!) . Instead of demanding that your spouse stay home with you and the kids instead of taking a trip some friends, tell him/her in conversation about what a "real man or woman" does. Tell them what people admire in a good spouses. Instead of demanding that your spouse come with you to visit your ill parents, tell them that a good spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend would do this for someone they loved. Feed their ego by showing them what would get them even more love and appreciation. Isn't that what their ego essentially wants? To be admired and respected by others?

3. Let them win most of the time. I know this seems counter intuitive but it's always better to choose your battles wisely. Rather than arguing about every little daily event, let him/her win on everything except what really matters to you. Those should be your true "deal breakers." Things that violate the core essence of your values and morals. When you give them the win most of the time, they will listen when you truly stick your ground. You see, people with inflated egos know (whether they admit it or not) that no one else will put up with their tantrums. So don't worry about upsetting them enough for them to leave. They have had the same issues in previous relationships and are grateful that you are dealing with them. When he/she realizes that something is that important to you that you are willing to fight them for it - they won't go against your wishes. This only works if you choose your battles wisely. Don't get your partner into the habit of arguing over everything and anything. Let them win most of the time. I promise you when you tell them something is really important and you won't give in - they will realize that they better let you have that one.

The Universe Guru